Defining Insanity
by littleshadows
Summary: Lukas Bondevik is a writer who can't find the will to live. A failed suicide attempt lands him in a psychiatric ward, where he meets a rather unique cast of characters, including a schizophrenic Russian, a paranoid Dutchman, a voyeuristic Hungarian, and an annoying, idiotic, and ridiculously attractive Dane who might just make it all worthwhile. Eventual DenNor, rating may go up.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note- Hello, ! Long-ish time, no see, eh? **

**Anywho, this story is going to be my main focus from now on. I honestly don't know if I'll update _How To Save A Life_ again, as I've kind of lost my muse for it. For now, it'll just be on hiatus. **

**I really hope that you guys like this one, because I've got a lot planned for it. The rating may change to an M later on, because I kinda want to write in a smut scene, but I'm not sure about it yet. Also, the rest of the chapters will be longer, this is just an intro.**

* * *

He is drowning.

Not literally, although he might as well be. No, the kind of drowning that Lukas Bondevik experiences is entirely different.

He's drowning in misery, in suffering, hell, in his own life_. _Every day, he feels as though it's getting harder and harder to breathe or think or _exist._

And there isn't a thing he can do about it.

* * *

The day he makes The Decision is the day of his brother's fifteenth birthday party, ironically enough. It isn't something he's thought through, although it certainly wasn't the first time he'd considered it. Suicide, that is. Offing yourself. Eternal sleep. Call it whatever you want, and the end result still never changes.

It's their gleeful laughter that gets him in the end. He's sitting in his bedroom, trying to work on a draft of his novel while his aforementioned brother, Emil, entertains a few of his friends in the living room.

It's a reminder that they're happy and shiny and alive, and that he can never, ever be that way again. He doesn't deserve to. He deserves to be in pain, deserves everything life has thrown at him. At first, he tries to block out the laughing, but someone makes a joke, and it only gets louder.

And louder.

And louder.

And louder.

Lukas can barely hear himself think, and his breathing becomes even more strained than usual. He makes a few attempts at trying to calm himself, but they are in vain.

_I'm going to throw up,_ he thinks. And sure enough, he's soon on the floor, leaning over the small garbage can by his bedside and filling it the contents of his stomach. The damned laughter is still there, and he's not sure if it's because Emil and his friends are actually still laughing, or if his mind is just replaying it, although he's betting on the latter.

They're making him sick. Can't they see that? The laughter is making him _sick sick so sick_ and he just wants someone to make it all go away.

But he knows that's not going to happen unless he does something about it himself.

Without even thinking about the consequences, Lukas forces himself up off of the floor and weakly staggers to the bathroom. When he reaches his destination, he slams the door behind him and opens the medicine cabinet, desperately searching for the sleeping pills he was prescribed six months ago.

At last, he finds them and lets out a sigh of relief, thankful that he had remembered to put the medication in its proper place. With shaky hands, he opens the bottle and dumps a handful of the small white capsules into his hand.

He eats them like candy.

Lukas empties the entire bottle of pills, washing them down with Listerine. It isn't very long before they start to take effect.

_(his head is spinning like crazy and his vision is blurring and it becomes harder to focus and oh god he can feel it coming yes thats it let me die let me die let me die i want to die)_

The bright lights hurt his eyes terribly

_(it burns them please please please make it stop)_

while his head and his heart pound madly.

_(its almost over lukas youll be dead soon its all okay dont worry)_

And then, everything

fades

to

black.

His very last thought is that he's finally happy because he

can

no

longer

hear

their

shrieking

laughter.

* * *

**So, what do you think so far? Should I continue this or not? Sorry if the quality of writing isn't very good; I'm still only thirteen, and I know I've got a long way to go when it comes to developing my writing. I'd like some constructive criticism on this, if you can think of any to give me. Of course, if you can't, reviews are still greatly appreciated. **

**Thanks a ton for taking the time to read this, and the next chapter should be up soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note- Thanks a ton to those of you who reviewed! :) It really means a lot to me. This chapter is sort of a filler, but I hope that you guys enjoy it nonetheless.**

* * *

The very first thing Lukas see when he wakes is white. Lots and lots of it. The walls, ceiling, and floor are all the boring, monotonous color. Where the hell is he? He's in a bed (Its covers are also white, he notes.), but that's the only thing he is certain of.

It's rather difficult for him to think, seeing as his mind is heavily fogged. It's almost as though he's drunk. _Really_ drunk. However, he can't remember drinking any alcohol before he blacked out. That leads him to another thought. What exactly had happened that rendered him unconscious? The last thing he can remember is sitting in front of his laptop, working on the rough draft of his upcoming book.

His thoughts absorb him so deeply that he almost doesn't hear the door open. A plump young woman wearing bright red glasses and Hello Kitty scrubs enters the room. When she realizes that Lukas is awake, she gives him a warm smile. He can't tell if it's fake or not.

"Where am I?" he asks her. On any other occasion, he would have chided himself for saying something so cliché, but he doesn't care much at that moment.

"You're in the psychiatric care ward at Preston Valley hospital." Psychiatric care? The situation was getting stranger and stranger by the minute.

"Why?"

The woman, who he assumes is a nurse, gives him another smile. "You'll have to discuss that with Doctor Elliot, honey. Now, it looks like your meds wore off before they were supposed to. I'll go get you another dose." She leaves the room before he can ask what meds she's talking about.

A few minutes later, the nurse returns carrying a medium-sized syringe. As she approaches his bed, Lukas tries to scoot away and fails miserably, his body lacking energy. "No," he protests weakly, despite knowing that it won't do him any good.

"Just relax. All this stuff will do is make you go to sleep for a little while."

"No," he repeats. She gives him an apologetic look. "I have to. Sorry." Leaning forward a bit, she gently takes his forearm with one hand and uses the other to inject the mystery medication into his veins. When she's done, she slips the empty syringe into her pocket.

"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Lukas shakes his head slowly, already feeling the injection starting to work.

In what seems to be a matter of seconds, the all-white room fades to black once more.

* * *

It's another two days before Lukas wakes up again. The nurse, whose name he learns is Julie, tells him that he'll be meeting with the doctor she mentioned earlier to discuss his treatment. Again, he tries to ask her why he's there, since his mind and its contents are still slightly hazy, but she gives him that same smile she used on him before and changes the subject to the weather, which was apparently bleak and cold while he was asleep.

Julie brings in the clothes that he had been wearing on the day he was admitted and tells him to change. He sits there, waiting for her to leave the room, or at least turn around. When she doesn't, he questions her.

"Aren't you going to give me some privacy?"

"Nope. I have to watch you as closely as possible." Well, that didn't creep him out _at all. _Note the sarcasm in that sentence, folks. Knowing our protagonist, we're bound to see it again sooner or later.

"I'm not taking my clothes off while you're just standing there." He meant it, too. There was absolutely no way in hell he was stripping in front of some woman he barely knew, and there was nothing else to it.

Julie's smile falters, just for a moment. "I'm afraid you don't have a choice."

"What are you going to do if I refuse?"

Once again, the bright smile pasted on her face wavers. "Well, then I guess I'd have to call in help, since you're not playing along. You don't want that, do you?"

When he was all drugged up, Lukas thought that Julie seemed to be quite nice, but now that the medication is no longer coursing through his veins, all he can think is that he hates how this woman is talking to him like a stoned five-year old with brain damage. He's Lukas Bondevik, the award-winning novelist! He doesn't need her to dumb everything down for him! Still, he doesn't want her to call in the 'help' that she mentioned.

"Fine," he relents. Her smile returns, cheery as ever. "Awesome! I knew you'd give in eventually."

He undresses and then re-dresses as quickly as he can, wanting her to see as little as possible. When he finishes and gets up off of the bed, she takes his arm. "Are you ready to go see Doctor Elliot now?" Lukas gives her a nod, and she guides him out of the room and down a corridor. On the way, the pair is greeted by several patients. At least, that's what he thinks they are. Most of them just acknowledge Julie, but a few smile or wave at Lukas as well.

Finally, they come to a wooden door at the end with a plaque on it which reads _Dr. Mary Elliot. _

"Wait here for a second, okay?" Julie then walks into the office, leaving Lukas at the door. _What ever happened to watching me as closely as possible, _he thinks.

After a couple of minutes, she returns and tells Lukas to go in. Upon entering, he is met by a tall, thin woman with salt-and-pepper gray hair. She gives him a smile, though it's nothing like Julie's overly happy and obviously fake ones.

"Hello. I'm Doctor Elliot, as I'm sure you've guessed. I'll be analyzing you and documenting your progress while you're in our care. Why don't you sit down?" She gestures to the two chairs in front of her desk. He takes the one on the left.

"So, today I'm just going to be giving you a basic psychiatric evaluation. That sound alright?" He nods his head yet again.

"That's great," she produces a tape recorder from one of her desk drawers, turns it on, and places the device on top of a stack of papers. "How are you today?"

He thinks for a moment. "Not very good, I guess."

Doctor Elliot writes something down on her notepad. "And why is that?"

"Well, I'm in a psych ward and nobody will tell me why, not to mention the fact that I had to get completely naked in front of one of your nurses, who is really fucking annoying, by the way."

"You don't know why you're here?"

"No, because you people drugged me so much that I can't remember anything." He's starting to get frustrated, though he isn't sure why. Doctor Elliot scribbles something else down in her notes, and he briefly wonders what she's writing.

"You tried to commit suicide, Lukas."

Oh.

That.

In what feels like an instant, the memories of the laughter, the vomiting, and the pills all come crashing down on him like a wave. All of the sudden, he feels sick to his stomach, much like he did on the day he tried to off himself. Doctor Elliot gives him a few minutes to calm down before she speaks again.

"I understand that this situation is a lot for you to be taking in right now, and I'm not trying to be rude to you, but we've got a limited amount of time, so I really need to continue the survey, if that's alright."

"It is. Sorry I freaked out."

"Don't worry about it, I've seen worse. Anyway, next question. How many hours of sleep do you get each night, approximately?"

Lukas thinks for a moment before answering. "Eight hours, sometimes a little less." Once again, he heard the sound of his newly appointed therapist writing something down in her notes.

"And when was the last time you had sex?"

Whoa, whoa, _whoa._ First he has to give Nurse Bitchface a striptease, and now this woman wants to know when he last got laid? There must have been some weird shit in those people's drinking water.

"Do you really need to know that?" he questions. The sound of the Doctor's pencil meeting paper enters his ears yet again. She looks him straight in the eyes.

"As a matter of fact, I do." She doesn't sound angry, but there's something about the tone of her voice that makes him feel like he should answer, which he does, much to his displeasure.

"Um, about a year ago..." he keeps his eyes on the floor when he says it, too embarrassed to look up at the woman.

Most of the following questions are generic. She asks how much he eats in a day, whether or not he likes his job, that sort of thing. Just when he thinks they're done, she catches him by surprise.

"I'd like to discuss your relationship with your brother."

Oh God. Emil.

Lukas hadn't even thought about him. He must have been worried sick! While he still wishes that the damned pills would have just worked and killed him, he's disgusted with himself at the same time. How could he just abandon the only family he had left like that? He was such a horrible, horrible brother.

Doctor Elliot pulls him back into reality. "Lukas? Are you alright?" Her eyes are flecked with concern.

"Yes. Do you know where Emil's at right now? Is anyone with him?"

She takes a folder off of the stack and opens it. "I figured you'd want to know that. The men he's currently staying with said they were friends of yours."

"Who are they?"

"Let's see..." she glances back down at the paper, "Berwald Oxenstierna and Tino Vainamoinen. Do they sound familiar?" He nods. Tino was his editor and a dear friend, and he'd been married to Berwald ever since gay marriage had been legalized in New York, though the two had been lovers for years.

"That's good. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I understand that Emil lives with you. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"And how long have you two lived together?"

"Eleven years." Not long after Lukas's eighteenth birthday, their parents had been killed in a bridge collapse. Both sets of grandparents had already died, and their parents were both only children, leaving Lukas as Emil's guardian. This meant that he had to give up going to college so that he could care for his brother, who was four at the time. He watched all of his friends go off to universities around the nation. One became a doctor, another took up teaching, and yet another majored in Forensics. And all this time, he was just sitting in his apartment, wasting away. He was deeply unhappy, but he kept going. He had to, if not for himself, then for Emil.

He was drowning in sorrow, and writing had been what kept him afloat.

Almost all his life, he'd written journal entries and the occasional letter, but nothing more. The day he first wrote something that was neither of those was one of his low points. He had barely been able to get out of bed that day, let alone get dressed and go to his shitty job. On top of that, he'd gotten a report from Emil's school saying that the boy was failing one of his classes and dangerously close to doing the same in another. He was angry and upset and frustrated as hell, and he was sure that everything he had bottled up inside was going to come bursting out. Not knowing what else to do, he opened an old notebook of his and put pencil to paper.

He wasn't sure of how long he spent writing, but he did know that when he looked back into the notebook, he was amazed that what the pages contained had come from his own mind. To this day, Lukas thinks it's the best thing he's ever written. It's raw, angry, and so... _powerful._ Of course, he wouldn't dream of publishing the thing- it's far too personal, but that was the start of his writing career. That one piece led to essays, which led to short stories, and that led to his novels, which would win him countless awards later on. Critics praised him for his wit and his ability to write emotions so real that it was as if you were the character and not just a bystander to the tale.

Only when he's done does Lukas realize that he's been speaking aloud the whole time, and that every word of it had been recorded. He isn't sure whether to be embarrassed or to act as though nothing had happened. Before he can decide, Doctor Elliot speaks again.

"Okay, great. Thank you for giving me what I needed. I think that an inpatient treatment program would be best for you. You'll be staying here for the next for the next two months, and after that, we'll see where you're at and go from there."

What? She wants to lock him up in a psych ward? No way in hell was that happening. "I don't think that's necessary. Can't you just prescribe me some antidepressants and call it good?"

She frowns slightly. "I'm afraid not. You've shown me in your interview that you need close monitoring that can't be provided outside of an institution. Plus, given the somewhat reclusive tendencies you seem to possess, I believe that being in a group environment would do you a great deal of good. Now, there's another patient I need to see, so you can ask any other questions later. A nurse will show you to your room." And with that, she guides him back out into the hallway. Waiting for him is his old pal, Julie. She links arms with him like they're in the fucking _Wizard of Oz, _and begins her tour, perky and full of fake cheer.

It was going to be a long two months.

* * *

**Like I said, this one was kind of filler-y and not my best effort, but Den makes his début in the next chapter, so hopefully that one will be more interesting. Don't forget to review, and as always, thank you for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note- Sorry it's been so long! This chapter was a bit difficult for me to write, for whatever reason. It's also a bit shorter that what I'd like it to be, but I don't think it turned out too bad. **

**Also, once again, thank you to the people who reviewed the second chapter!**

* * *

"And this is where you'll be eating, and- oh! There's the rec room! Isn't it nice?"

Lukas glances into the aforementioned room. There's a television surrounded by a few chairs that were clearly past their prime, and an equally worn couch. On the tables that are scattered throughout the area, there are board games sheathed in dust, a few boxes of colored pencils, along with sheets of paper, and on one such table, a stack of vinyl records. A medium-sized shelf stands against one wall (Dare I point out that's also painted white?), and it's crammed with books, many of which seem to have gone untouched. In short, the recreation room isn't exactly nice. Dingy is a much more apt description. A few of the patients occupying the space turn to look at him. One woman goes so far as to give him a small, friendly wave.

He knows that he should say something along the lines of 'Oh yes, it's lovely.' But is that what he does? Nope. Instead, Lukas's response is, "So this must be what the waiting room in Hell is like. Good to know."

For a moment, Julie looks at him in shock, before relapsing into her old self. "Oh, don't be such a Gloomy Gus! I'm sure you'll love it here." Another biting remark is on the tip of his tongue, but he decides it's best to hold it in.

Satisfied with how she's handled the situation, Julie continues leading Lukas through the halls, pointing things out along the way. After what seems like an eternity, they come to a plain white door with a small sign which reads MATHIAS_. _Julie produces a sharpie from her pocket and writes LUKAS underneath the other inhabitant's name. She then bestows three loud, sharp knocks onto the door.

"Mr. Densen, he's here! Come and say hello!"

A few seconds later, the door is opened. Standing behind it is a tall, muscular man with wild blond hair and the brightest blue eyes he's ever seen. He looks Lukas up and down slowly, and he feels slightly woozy, not to mention his face is growing hot, though he tries his best to ignore the odd sensation. After all, it's probably just him being self-conscious. Yes, that's all it is. He's sure of it.

"Well, I'll just leave the two of you, then. The clothes your friends brought you are on the bed, Mr. Bondevik." And with that, Julie-the-obnoxious-bitch finally leaves him alone. He steps into the room, and his new roommate closes the door behind them.

"Hej," he says, still grinning. "I'm Mathias, as you can tell. And you're... sorry darlin', what's your name again?"

"Lukas. And _don't_ call me darling." To be honest, he's a bit bewildered as to why this guy would call him that in the first place, but he doesn't ask about it.

"Oh, but you _are_ a darling. Pretty sexy too, come to think of it."

In return, Mathias receives a smack across the face. It isn't hard enough to hurt him too badly, but it certainly gets the point across.

The larger of the two men throws up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Geez, I didn't mean it!" Then, after a moment, he adds, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Let's start over." He extends his hand, though Lukas doesn't accept it. "I'm Mathias Densen."

"Lukas Bondevik," the other man says with a sigh.

"It's nice to meet you, Lukas. Now, is that better?"

"I suppose." Lukas sits down on the edge of the bed that his suitcase rests upon. Mathias sits parallel from him, on the other bed.

"So... is this your first stay here?"

"Yes."

"This is my fourth time here. I'm a fucking veteran when it comes to this place."

"Impressive."

"You bet that sweet ass of yours it's impressive." At this, Lukas shoots him an icy glare.

"Sorry. Ah... what'd you do to end up here?"

"Do I have to tell you?"

"You'll have to talk about it when we have group therapy, which is today, by the way. So yeah, I'll find out sooner or later."

"Well, then you can just wait until then to find out, can't you?"

"Someone's a little grumpy," Mathias remarks.

"And someone else is a little annoying."

Lukas pulls one of the books that Tino must have packed for him out of his suitcase, flops down onto his bed, and opens the novel. After it's clear that he won't be starting a conversation anytime soon, Mathias announces that he's going to rec room and promptly leaves. Lukas reads for an hour or so before closing the book and setting it on the small, wooden bedside table.

Something about his new roommate had unnerved him. He isn't sure what, exactly, but it might have been the way Mathias had discussed his multiple admissions into the hospital as though it were the most mundane subject in the world, or more likely, the fact that he'd called Lukas sexy. It had been a while since anyone had used such a word in relation to him, and so it came as quite a shock.

As you may have guessed, his love life isn't fantastic. In fact, one might even call it pitiful.

He's lonely, yes, _of course_ he is. But whenever that loneliness veers towards becoming too much to bear, he simply reminds himself that he has Emil to take care of, that a lover is the very last thing he needs. Most of the time, he's able to believe himself. Most being the key word here. The last serious relationship he'd been in was with a fellow writer by the name of Arthur Kirkland. They had met at a party thrown by yet another novelist, one that neither of them really knew, but who had apparently decided that they were both important enough to be there. Within a few months, they were living together, and for the time being, they were happy. But it didn't last.

One evening, not long before their second anniversary, while Emil was away at a friend's house, Lukas returned home from coffee with Tino to hear loud moans coming from the bedroom he and Arthur shared. It sounded as though someone was being fucked mercilessly. And indeed, someone was. That someone was Arthur. The exact details of what happened don't matter to our story. All you really need to know is that for the past nine months, Arthur had been having an affair with the Frenchman who lived just down the hall.

He kind of gave up on love after that.

It didn't take long for Lukas to finalize the decision. He would focus on his career and being the very best guardian for Emil that he could possibly be. (_Just something else that I've failed to accomplish,_ he thinks.)

And every single time the loneliness creeps up on him, he tells himself the same thing; _You don't need anybody. You're perfectly fine with just Emil. Not that it matters. Even if you weren't okay with it, you're so messed up that nobody would ever want you. But you are okay. You're okay, you're okay, you're okay..._

And he **was** okay with being single. He liked it better that way, actually.

Right?

(Wrong.)

* * *

**I have the next chapter partially written, and I want to have it done by Friday, so there will probably be an update sometime this weekend. Probably. I'm working on the next chapter of _The Rocky Horror Nordic Show _as well, but I have no idea when that'll be done. **

**Reviews make me uber happy, so leave one telling me what you think, por favor. Once again, thank you for reading!**


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